My Diagonal Life

20th January 2010

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A fictionalized version of what just happened at the post office

The old man who had huffed and puffed his way into the post office carrying a package was speaking to the man behind him.  ”You would think they’d have more people working.”

“Well that’s what happens when you let the government run things.”

“Yeah well Massachusetts last night shows what we think about that.”

The previous night was a particularly disappointing one for the young man overhearing this conversation while waiting to mail his packages.  Martha Coakley, a Democratic attorney general, had lost her campaign for the United States senate to a Republican former Cosmo model.  The seat they were filling in a special election had previously been held by the recently deceased Ted Kennedy, who had worked his whole career to reform health care.  Martha Coakley lost to a man running against health care overhaul.  It was all pretty surreal.

“I don’t know why we pay these people.  I can’t think of a single private business where you’d wait fifteen minutes.”

The young man could not contain himself any longer and frankly he needed to vent some frustration from the night before, so he turned around and asked the old man, “Why are you here?”

“Excuse me?!” the old man said.

“Why are you here at the post office?”

“I’m mailing a package.  What’s your problem?”

“Can you explain to me why you chose to mail your package here at this government-run agency instead of at UPS or Fed Ex?”

“I don’t have to explain any god damn thing to you.”

“No you don’t.  It’s a free country.  But I was just wondering why you were complaining about how much you’d rather this were a private enterprise even though you voluntarily chose to come to this government agency instead of perfectly viable private businesses that could do the same thing.”

“You liberals think the government can do everything for you.”

“Fine, if you don’t want to answer my questions I’ll explain it to you.  You’re here because it’s cheaper.  Why is it cheaper?  Because the government has used taxpayer dollars to build an infrastructure that no private industry could have possibly done profitably.”

“UPS and Fed Ex have done it profitably.”

“Yeah, do you want to pay their rates to deliver your Christmas cards?  You think they would deliver to, oh I don’t know, remote farming communities?  No.  It wouldn’t be profitable.  You want to hand the post office over to private enterprise?  You want it to be run like health care is run right now where insurance companies can refuse service to people because they have preexisting conditions?  You want health care to be so expensive that people don’t get treatment until they’re really sick and end up in the emergency room, raising costs for the rest of us?”

“That’s B.S. I like my health care just fine the way it is.  You want socialism, move to Russia.” The old man thought he was being really clever.

“Socialism?!  Socialism?!?!  Can you tell me exactly what part of the health care bill has anything to do with socialism?”

“What!?  The part where the government runs the health care system.  That’s what socialism is, you know.”

“Do you know what the health care bill really does?  I don’t think you do because the health care bill doesn’t involve the government taking over anything.  The only part of it that has anything to do with the government running things is that medicaid will be required to cover poor people.  Those people don’t have insurance right now, so they’re not crowding out private insurers or anything.  They’re setting up exchanges where people can shop around for the best policies, and they’re outlawing the practice of denying coverage to people with preexisting conditions.  Maybe you should know the facts about what you hate before you start talking about how much you hate it.”

“Don’t get condescending with me, boy.  I’ve been around a lot longer than you and I know what happens when the government meddles with things.”

“Okay.  First of all, don’t you dare call me condescending.  I have worked my ass off to get to where I am.  I come from a blue collar broken home in a broken city.  I am the opposite of entitled.  Second: I don’t have to be sixty years old to know that you’re talking nonsense.  What happens when the government meddles?  Hm, let’s see.  Roads get built.  Your food is safe for you to eat.  You have clean drinking water.  Your kids go to school for free and you get the luxury of spouting crap while waiting in line for your subsidized shipping.

“The health care system right now is broken.  It’s broken because it functions on an individual level where everybody does what’s best for themselves.  Sometimes when everyone behaves in their own self-interest, society loses.  And that’s where the government comes in.  Think about the recession.  It’s in everyone’s best interest to save their money right now but if they do that and the government hadn’t spent a bunch of money through the stimulus package and lowered interest rates to encourage us to spend our money, we wouldn’t just be in a little recession right now.  We would be in a ridiculous depression.  Like a third world shitstorm depression.  Same thing with healthcare.  We need an entity big enough to tackle the problems that are bigger than me and you.  They’re whole-society problems, and the only entity big enough with pockets deep enough to do that is the government.  That’s why the government exists.  That’s why the post office exists.  That’s why we are standing here having this argument.”

“All I know is that when the government gets involved, the taxpayers lose.  I’ve seen it a thousand times.”

“You’re not listening to me!  You’re just spouting some right wing talk show host crap.  I’m trying to have a discussion and you’re just reacting with talking points.”

“I’m just talking common sense.  These people would all agree with me.”  Everyone was watching the exchange now, even the postal workers, making the line move even more slowly than it already was.

“Whatever!  Go to UPS if you love your private enterprise so much.  While you’re at it why don’t you privatise the highway system or the public school system.  That sounds like a great idea.  You’re obviously not going to listen to anything I have to say so this conversation is over.  You can spout your talking points to the back of my head.  Or you can go to UPS and enjoy their unsubsidized shipping rates.”  

The young man was now incredibly embarrassed and had to stand and listen to the old man and his friend huff and puff about how young people think they know everything and how he was brainwashed by the liberal media all the while holding his breath to keep from responding.  He would spend the rest of the day wondering if his outburst had helped or hindered the cause of health care reform, ultimately deciding that it really only helped to raise his blood pressure.